Mom, Six Years Later and Still Missing You..

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Written by: Colleen George

It’s been six years today. Six years since everything changed. Six years since a light went out in my life. It’s been six years since I’ve seen you, six years since I’ve hugged you. It’s been six years since we’ve talked to each other.  

Six years is a long time. I had thought that by now, I would be closer to “healing.” I thought that by now,  But I guess it just doesn’t work this way. Six years later, and I still miss you everyday. You still cross my mind in all of the moments in which I least expect it, and all in all of the moments that I most expect it. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real to me. In these six years, so much has changed, so much has happened. And you haven’t been here for it.

I’ve learned that the hardest part of losing you has been learning to be happy  in this life without you. The hardest part has been  continuing to grow up, continuing to change, and continuing to make new memories without you by my side.

I’ve learned how terrifying it is to think that I may be forgetting parts of you. It breaks my heart to think that I could forget some of those special moments with you, that I could forget the exact tone of your voice or pitch of your laugh. Feeling as though you are slipping away from me hurts my heart. Feeling as though the memories are fading away pains me greatly.

But I’ve also learned that the most meaningful memories are not specific events. The most meaningful memories are feelings. The most touching memories I have of you have to do with the warmth and comfort I felt when I was with you. The little memories aren’t as important as remembering how it felt to know that you were there for me through the thick and the thin. I will always remember how it felt to care about  you and look up to you.  I will always remember how you always loved me and always kept me safe no matter what. I will always remember the way that you made me feel.

Some of the other memories stick with me too of course.I still remember singing Glee with you and my best friend in the car that beautiful summer night after we all went to the park. I will always remember the time you insisted on going to the beach with us, even though your foot was broken and you had crutches and a knee high cast. I remember how  dad voluntarily gave you a piggy back ride on the sand. I remember going on long walks with you and having to jog to keep up.  I remember your wonderful sense of humor and how you used to say the funniest, quirkiest things, always catching people by surprise. I remember the “I love you” notes you put in my brown bagged lunch every day (even when I was a senior in high school).

Tears still come to my eyes when I hear “I’ll Stand by You.” I still start to cry when I listen to  Lady Antebellum’s “Never Alone,” and I will always remember that time that I sang it for you, and how you started to cry. I remember the  time, after you were diagnosed, that you told me not to grieve for too long, and instead to be proud to have had you as my mom. I remember you told me that I had to keep living my life, and that one day I would be okay.

But the truth is, I wasn’t ready to lose you, I wasn’t ready to live without you. And even now, years later, I’m still not ready to lose you. And sometimes it feels like I lose you again and again.

Looking back, you taught me almost everything I needed to know. You taught me how to be brave and strong, and how to follow my dreams. You taught me how to be silly and serious, honest and kind.  But the one thing you didn’t teach me? You didn’t teach me how to live without you. You never told me how hard it would be, or how lost I would feel with you gone. You never taught me how to live with the loneliness, or how  to cope in the moments in which everything felt like too much.

I still wish I could run to you for advice and guidance. I still wish I could call you and tell you good news, and hear the excitement in your voice.  I still wish I could go home and giant whole wheat cookies with you, and hear all about your day and all of your funny teaching stories. I still wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you that I love you.

I still wish these things with all of my heart.

And while it still hurts six years later, and while I still miss you every single day, I take comfort in knowing that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have had you here for nineteen years. I was so lucky to love you, and even luckier to be loved by you.

I am  going to keep on missing you and loving you from a distance. But just as you told me to do,  I’m going to try my very hardest  to make this life beautiful for the both of us. I’m going to do my very best to make the most of  my life, just as you wanted. And I’m going to do it knowing that I am armed with your strength, blessing, and love.

In the words of E.E. Cummings, “I Carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.”

Check out my Books Life Goes On..? and Life Still Goes On, The Blog Book of a Motherless Daughter

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15 thoughts on “Mom, Six Years Later and Still Missing You..

  1. Michelle

    Your letter really spoke to me. Tomorrow my Mom will be gone for two years. I miss her so very much. I will love her – always, forever and beyond. I’ll never get over the loss, I’ll never stop missing her and I’ll never stop loving her. With each sunset we are another day closer to holding each other again, for now we hold each other in our hearts. Love you Mom – forever, your little girl.

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    1. veroneek

      beautiful text i was happy and..sad to read. its been 6 years too this month. Mom and I had cancer the same day announced we fought together having chemiotherapy at the same time but she couldnt survive. i promised her to keep the sadness away and enjoy life so she could also rest in peace..But still there is a hole in my heart she left with a piece of me so we will always be together. Love to you

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  2. Karen

    Mine has been gone two years, there are days I can’t even remember her face. But I get peace in knowing that she is with the Lord, and one day we will be together again.

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  3. Asa

    Its been 12 years but my heart will never stop bleeding. The pain of losing my mom is just too much. There is never the right time to say goodbye. 😢💔

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  4. Darlene L Deeb

    Just about everytime I read one of your essays the tears come. Thank you so much for always saying the things you say.
    Just the other day a song came on that she used to sing. It is called Red River Valley and there I was in a petients room and started balling.
    It doesn’t matter where I am or when, it still catches me right out of the blue.
    It will be 2 years since I lost my mom to lung cancer in October.
    Some days I feel fine, other days its crushing.
    I miss you mom. Until we can be together again…

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  5. Glenda

    Thank you for sharing. My mom died one year ago today and time has not healed this wound, my heart will forever be shattered.

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  6. Michelle

    Everything you spoke to exactly how I feel, every minute of the day. My mom was my best friend, I never thought I’d lose her so early in life. We had so many more plans. My heart has been torn out. I was 24 when I lost my mom, 8 years ago. It still feels like yesterday. Now my grandmother is dying of cancer and I am not prepared for it. I look back at the time that has past, I honestly don’t know how I managed to survive to date. How does one live with a broken heart?

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  7. Kristine

    My mom has only been gone 5 months and some days are unbearable knowing she’s not here with me anymore. Some days I don’t know what to do or say. My mom was my best friend and I feel like I have no one now and I’m all alone. The part about not being taught how to live without you is so true. Her death happened so quickly that I was not prepared to be without her. Thank you for this essay!! I realize I’m not as alone as I think.

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  8. Beth Kester

    You really hit a nerve when I read this. It was just the 24th anniversary of my moms death on the 3rd of this month. Yes 24 years without my mom and reading this I cried my eyes out cause yes it still hurts the same today as it did the day she passed away. I was 20 when I lost my mom about to have my 21st birthday the next month. When I got that first birthday card from just my dad it was one of the hardest thing in the world when I opened it. Having my 2 year old say good-bye to his Grammy was the worst thing I have ever had to do. They were so close. I know she is with me but I so wish I could tell her in person I finally found my soulmate. My one true love in the whole world and he lived next door.

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  9. Janice

    I’m crying as I read this I just lost my mom 7 weeks ago. It happened so fast once she was diagnosed. She was also my best friend and my biggest fear happened. She was my cheerleader in life. I miss her terribly every day. This touched me so much. She was my heart my everything and I can’t imagine life without her. Sometimes I feel so numb and it doesn’t feel real. It breaks my heart to see my Dad and talk with him. He missed her so much. I know I will never be the same again knowing the biggest part of me is gone.. I pray in time it will be somewhat easier to cope with. I love her more than life. Thank you for sharing this. I know I’m not alone.

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  10. Liz

    It’s been 16 years for me, and while it’s no longer a raw and open wound, the scab is still there and can be picked off all too easily–like every time I see her favorite chicken pot pie in the grocery store. I, too, have said that the one thing she didn’t teach me was how to live without her. I still pick up the phone to call her and probably will until the day I die. I am, however, very grateful for the time I had her, and am very pleased when someone says, “you are your mother made over “. Thanks for the tears. I needed them today.

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  11. Deborah

    Wow I can’t express enough how much I loved your article, it really resonated with me. So many of your feelings are mine. It’s sad that you only got 19 years with your Mom but also still a blessing. You really touched my heart with the E E Cummings reference that is my favorite poem. I even got a tattoo of a heart inside a heart for my Mother ❤️

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  12. Dyann

    This is a bitter sweet article on missing your Mom. My Mom died 2010, in July of that year a day after the fourth of July, I till this day don’t celebrate this Holiday and sometimes any Holiday, since she’s been gone😓 it’s still hard on me, because my Mom was also my Best friend and she was my Rock, my mentor. Her passing has, taken a part of me with her😓 Soo, I could go on, and on about my grief, for her but there isn’t enough room on this comment space, so thank, God Bless😇

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  13. Sussanne (Sweet Pea) Pearl

    I know you feel! Our mom waa called up on Aptil 24, 1958 days before my Birthday! And less than 2 month before our R.I.P..mom’s 38th Birthday

    Sussanne (Sweet Pea) Pearl

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